Verizon Center "Treats"

I went to the Wizards-Heat game last night. Which unfortunately, my Wizzies lost. Gilbert needs to fucking get it together, he’s had a few shitty games lately. D-Wade didn’t play last night, but in general I respect his skills. And I’ve always liked Shaq too, ever since that movie Kazaam! (I actually never saw that, but I wanted to throw in the reference). But I do not, REPEAT DO NOT, like the Heat. Mainly because they beat the Mavs (my 2nd favorite team) in the finals last year. Last night just added a little hash mark of hate next to their name on my mental chalkboard.

Also, for some reason Gary Payton still plays in the NBA. Who knew? He was all over the game last night too. Just before halftime he fouled someone and they showed him on the big screen and Mike turns to me and goes: “Gary Payton?? What the hell is he doing on the Heat?” About five minutes later they show him on the jumbotron again and I hear the guy behind me go “Gary Payton? What?!?” So anyway, in case you guys aren’t aware, Gary Payton is alive and well in NBA basketball.

When you go to a game at the Verizon Center, they always have the same games/contests/entertainment. The Dunkin’ Donuts race (this is relatively new and our section won last night but they never brought us our free coffee coupon), The Dance Cam, The Kiss Cam, the Chevy Chase Bank Card $100 giveaway (pretty much the only contest I am interested in winning), and the Chipotle Burrito Dash. The Chipotle Burrito Dash is where random Wizards staff run through the stadium giving people burritos. People start jumping over their dates and batting their row mates out of the way to get the attention of the burrito gatekeepers. Whenever I go to games I pretty much always make the same exact comment: “Who wants to win a cold mystery burrito?”

I’ll be the first one to tell you that I CISE Chipotle. It’s a delicious compact meal that can sustain you for about 24-hours. But if someone is handing you a mass-produced, one-pound burrito wrapped in foil—the contents of which are just whatever meat and combination of toppings they decide to slap on—and then let them sit in a bucket until after halftime and then throw them at you in the crowd- excuse me if I don’t stand up and make a fool of myself to try and get you to hurl a mystery burrito my way. I mean “WIN” one.

I sat next to Mike during the game and he had a similar complaint about some Wisconsin sports team (sorry Mike, they are all the same to me) giving away large pizzas during games. But this is totally a different situation. Everyone loves a cheese pizza and you would probably be the most popular fan in your section if you just took a slice and passed it around. Sharing the love, if you will. You can’t just take a bite of a burrito and pass it around. And can some mathematician help me out? There are 5 different “meats” you can get in your burrito, 3 different “beans” OR “fajita veggies” you can get with your meat selection, 4 different salsas, cheese, sour cream, lettuce, and Guac (for $1.50 extra). Can someone calculate out how many combinations of burritos are possible? On top of that, calculate the odds that the burrito I want (Chicken Fajita with Hot Salsa, Corn Salsa, Cheese and Guac) is the one the Wizards intern throws at me in the stadium? Then calculate how swiftly the burrito loses heat through the foil if they make them at the beginning of the game and pass them out during the third quarter. Is that even safe to eat?

Why don’t you fill that foil with coupons for free burritos and then we’ll talk?

Anyway, since I make the same comment of every game, I figure I better explain my rationale. And now I have a new thesis that a burrito is a much more personal gift than a pizza. So if anyone brings me a burrito on a first date, that means we’re moving too fast and I will probably dump you.

Gilbert's starting & the Mavs should consider a mascot change...OR why girls make more interesting sports fans.

You'd be hard-pressed to find any fan, male or female, more dedicated to a sports team than my friend Kristin is to the Dallas Mavericks. Their win/loss record determines her demeanor until the next game. Her mood of fury continued into the summer since the Mavs lost in the NBA finals this past season to a team that will go unmentioned (I don't want to rekindle any rage by mentioning the [cough]Heat[cough, cough]). She refused to speak to me after the Wizards ended the Mavs 12-game winning streak back in December.

That said, somehow I think that male and female sports fans have very different conversations about their favorite teams:

Kristin: Have you read your Wizzies boyfriend's blog on nba.com? He's either really funny or a huge a-hole

me: Yes. He's really funny. They interviewed him on the news last night . He was so cute . Cause he's gonna be a starter in the All Star game .

Kristin: I hate him. Because Dirk should be a starter .
By the way we lost last night and now the stinky suns have the best record in the NBA.

me: aw man. I HATE THE SUNS!!!!

me: That's OK, now Washington is #2 in the East. Behind the Pistons . Phoenix=sucky city, Detroit=sucky city

Kristin: Ya now we're behind the suns. But we beat them both times this year

me: good

Kristin: I HATE that new Nike commercial. With like 12 players . And there is not one Maverick . But there are 3 Suns . Dirk should be a starter .

me: I agree

Kristin: The Sun is a gay mascot

me: It's not even a planet!

Kristin: Nope. It's a ball of gay fire.

me: That a wizard on a horse would magically extinguish!

Kristin: exactly

me: I think your mascot needs a horn though. So it can join the land of mystical mascots .

Kristin: haha

me: A unicorn and a wizard would get along swimmingly. And if we played each other in the finals, it would be like "Magic: the Gathering."

me: Unicorns are more dangerous than real horses cause they have weapons attached to their heads. Tell Mark Cuban to THINK ABOUT THAT .

Kristin: haha. On one of those "super sweet 16" shows , this girl had a horn made to put on her white horse for her pictures , and it hit her in the face with it . Unicorns are not nice animals .

me: I know! Remember that time I rescued you from the unicorn attack? I mean, he did stab me in the leg, and I still can’t walk right, but that was a close call.

Kristin: I will never forget it.