29 February 2008

When does season four start?

Although I am personally shamed by my love for the MTV program "The Hills," to the point of self loathing during the 15 minutes after every episode I sit through, at least I'm big enough to admit my problem.

The show is a shallow, offensive portrayal of the lives and values of my generation and the vile, semi-retarded cast members represent everything that is wrong with 20-something women.

It should only be expected then, that I jumped at the opportunity to take the "Which 'The Hills' Character Are You?" quiz via Facebook application.

The quiz didn't allow for write-in responses, so I was forced to choose the least worst option.

Below, please find my submitted responses in
blue and my if-I-had-the-option-to-write-this-in-response in red.

1. What kind of guys are you attracted to?
Bad boys, with the rugged sexy look.
Bad boys, that look anything but sexy.
Average joes.
Good guys with engaging personalities.
Wannabe player types, who are really in-the-closet relationship types.
---->Intellectual/arty guys who make me laugh

2. If you want something in life, what's your way of getting it?
Go after it irrelevant of the consequences.
Play fair and square.
Hard work and determination.
Smile and look pretty.
I'm already rich but I give it my best anyways.
--->Decide and fuckin' do it. If it doesn't work out, oh well [shrugs shoulders].

3. What's your dream job?
Owner of a fashion magazine.
Fashion designer.
Chief Editor of a fashion magazine.
Head of a major party planning firm.
---->Indie film exec. HBO Publicist. Saturday Night Live booker, writer, floor-sweeper.

4. In an ideal world, what would be your ideal boyfriend?
Blond hair, blue-eyed, and rich minus the idiotic gaming addictions.
Brad Pitt's body + Ben Stiller's humor - Spencer's Idiocy.
Brody with some acting skills.
Collin Farrell's looks and behavior - Justin Bobby's lack of faithfulness
Collin Farrell's looks and behavior + Brody's smile - anything remotely resembling Spencer.
---->Jason Schwartzman's personality + George Clooney's looks + He's doing 20 to life for killing Spencer.

5. What is the best aspect of your personality that your friends find appealing?
I don't sugar coat anything.
Love like you've never been hurt.
My superior social skills.
Less talk about own drama and more listening to other people's drama.
I know what I want, screw the world.
---->I could round out their World Series of Pop Culture team should the opportunity present itself.

6. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Of course, especially when he's blond with blue eyes driving a Six series. Totally in love.
It's a possibility with some people.
Depends on his bank account balance.
Sometimes, but they usually have to come back around a couple of times.
Do I look like a cross-eyed idiot?
---->No, but I think that homeless guy on the subway who asked me out to go see a "love movie" last week does.

7. What's your ideal wedding?
Cute ceremony at a Church, but with high publicity.
Vegas baby, in-n-out. Vegas Baby. No write-in required.
Weddings are so 90s. Domestic partnerships are so HOT right now.
Small ceremony on a beach, family and friends only.
The largest ceremony in America, at the White House, with Bush as the ring bearer.

8. When there's drama going on who do you turn to?
Fake friends or co-workers I can dispose of at my whim.
My best friends from back home who are drama free.
My mommy.
I try to work it out with the parties involved.
My roommate or close friends at work whom I can trust.
---->My iPod.

I know you're all waiting to find out if I'm a Heidi or a Lauren. Although, I'm personally keeping my fingers crossed that I'm a Justin Bobby!

Ok....hitting "SUBMIT"....

"Sorry we were unable to calculate your result!"


Is Whitney powering algorithm that spits out these results?
Does this mean I'll NEVER be a Hills girl?

Assuming the answer is "No, Leslie, you'll never be a Hills girl," why am I experiencing a simultaneous feeling of both relief and disappointment?

Brody, I need a hug.

PS--Here's what I'm listening to now:

What Made Milwaukee Famous--"Resistance Street"

28 February 2008

Not the same post that has been up for 3 months.

Over the past several months, have the three of you that actually read this been feeling a little more empty inside than usual? I bet you can attribute it to the non-updates you’ve been getting on my life via the weblog medium.

Today, consider your void filled. I’ve decided to come back from my 4-month-long hiatus. For 2 reasons in particular:

1. I’ve gotten out of the habit of writing, apart from my day job, and I miss it. Not that I consider this blog any sort of literary contribution. It just helps keep me on track and in the habit.

2. If I don’t witness, experience, or do something really interesting or bizarre enough to make for a good story, let’s say about once a week, then what sort of existence am I living in the first place?

So without further explanation, we rejoin my life, already in progress.

Tuesday I opened my daily New York Times “UrbanEye” newsletter—a convenient highlight of the goings-on in the city, delivered gmailly (yeah, I make up adverbs) to me each morning.

On a typical day I just skim through this daily briefing while I wait for my Dunkin Donuts coffee to kick in enough for me to deal with hard news—like Gawker and WhatWouldTylerDurdenDo.com?

But Tuesday morning. Tuesday morning’s Times UrbanEye included a standout entry: An event listing which included the perfect storm of elements to convince me to leave my planned MSNBC Democratic debate-watching plans for the evening behind. An event listing that convinced me that my On Demand obsession with HBO’s In Treatment could be suppressed until Wednesday.

An event listing that dropped words and phrases like:
  • “East Village”
  • “$5”
  • “Eugene Mirman” (of Flight of the Conchords and my crazy Halloween night in Brooklyn fame)
  • “Special guests from the likes of SNL, Adult Swim, Conan, etc.”
  • “A surprise not-to-be missed indie band”

Of course I immediately notified my Farmhouse friends, Mike and Sarah, and we made plans to head down that night.

Long story short: Best $5 I have ever spent.

The event was the second-to-last night of “Invite them Up,” an improv/sketch/stand up show that apparently been running under my radar until now and weekly for over 6 years.

Performers hadn’t been announced ahead of time, but when we got to the show (which ended up selling out—I’m guessing capacity was somewhere AROUND 50 people) the program for the night included
  • Eugene Mirman (who, every time I’ve seen him perform leaves me pained with laughter)
  • Zach Galifinakis (genius)
  • (You’ll only know what I’m talking about if you live in New York): the “Little Bit of Luck” guy from those New York Lottery ads that have infected our subway system. He performed in a ridiculous sketch where he plays a shirtless, coked-out version of his commercial character.
  • Todd Barry (“Doggie Bounce Todd” from Flight of the Conchords,” whom I have ‘accidentally’ run into 3 times since Halloween, now. Stop following me, Todd! But really, he just keeps showing up as a special surprise performer whenever I go to a show. Not that I mind—he’s my brand of funny.)
  • A bunch of other comedians
  • and, as the program listed them: “Yo La Mystery Band.” Hmmm…I wonder who that could be.

Yeah—that’s right—SILLY!!—we got to see a short impromptu set of covers and rare songs from Yo La Tengo, with fill-in drum player Todd Barry.

By the end of the night, Sarah had gotten an elbow to the chin by Little Bit of Luck guy, Eugene had blocked me into the bathroom, Todd gave me an awkward “Hey, how’s it going?” (maybe he thinks I am his new stalker), and we had all seen Zach in a women’s bathing suit and beehive hairdo.

Success. Full success.

On a totally unrelated note, I’ve exclusively been listening to Leona Naess (thanks to Charlotte) and Regina Spektor for the past 2 days. Share in my aural joy:

Regina Spektor--"Us"
Leona Naess--"Charm Attack"