29 March 2007

Maintaining my air of mystery. Sorta.

I have had one of the most unbelievably random weeks—which would make you think, perfect for the blog, right?

Unfortunately, I really can’t go on the record with everything that has happened because almost all of it deals with either work, past guys, current guys or all of the above at once.

In fact, my week, as of yesterday, had hit such an apex of ridiculousness that I actually had to bullet out talking points to Rachel when I met her for happy hour so that I wouldn’t forget to mention all the crazy shit that happened to me that day.

Since Saturday night, I have
-run into more random acquaintances and/or past crushes than I can count on one hand (not an exaggeration)

-accidentally crashed a birthday party for someone I had never met (and still didn’t meet him at the party) and then ended up sitting next to the birthday boy at a closed-door meeting on the Hill this week (this is the real story I want to tell you guys, but its pretty inappropriate since its work-involved)

-discovered that Rachel is the only person on the entire planet that has met every guy I’ve ever been involved with or liked since I’ve been in DC (there’s six of them and she met 2 in the past week on random run-ins)

-Punched Rachel at the Black Cat for one of the funniest/snarkiest comments I’ve ever heard come out of her mouth (it was a love punch). I wish I could repeat it.

-Questioned if I was actually on Candid Camera. It also made me think what my life would be like if MTV edited it. (By the way-- season finale of The Hills this Monday! Cised.)

So for people reading this post, I guess this is a boring tease. But if you ask, I’ll probably tell you the stories off the record.

I just didn’t want everyone to think my life was boring because I haven’t posted anything. Au contraire. Taking a note from Charlotte and the elimination of her blog for privacy reasons, it’s just a little to risky to put all my business on the official record.

And just cause I feel like it (and this post's title reminded me of the scene):

Dignan: Bob Mapplethorpe, potential get-away driver: go!

Bob: Well, I think there's a real air of mystery about me.

Dignan: Don't complicate it. Your number one strength is you have a car you can provide. Sell yourself! Start over. Ready, go!

Bob: Okay, alright. I'm a risk taker! I'm growin' an entire crop of marijuana plants in my parents back yard! I think that shows...

Dignan: Wait, you're growing an entire crop of marijuana in your back yard?

Bob: Dignan, look. I'm just not very good at this selling-yourself stuff, okay? So, I'm just gonna tell you the truth. I really wanna be a part of this team. And I'm the only one with a car.

Dignan: That's good. That's good. 'Cause that hits me right here.

23 March 2007

Happy Willaversary!

Today marks the one-year anniversary of Rachel and I meeting Will. The only reason I really remember that this was the day last year we met is because we met him at Shield’s birthday last year and today is Shield’s birthday again (Happy Birthday, Shields!) So anyway, we’re drinking at Brickskeller and Tristan introduces us to Mike’s friend Will, this new guy from Wisconsin (who spent 11 months in Seattle). I don’t think either of us admitted it to each other at the time (Rachel and I were sort of new buddies then too), but in retrospect, at that time we both thought that Will was hot. Come to think of it, Rachel and I have been trying to figure out a guy we can both agree is hot (on a completely superficial level, no “personality” getting in the way) and we’ve been at a stand still. Has Will been the solution to our riddle all this time?

Anyway, personality did eventually get in the way because we started hanging out with Will more and more. And I think I can safely say that it didn’t take long for both Rachel and I to lose our completely superficial attraction to Will* (see end of post). I’m confident the feeling is mutual on Will’s end as well (that he not attracted to us. He probably is, indeed, attracted to himself.)

It actually worked out for the best because Will is one of the most fun people to hang out with if you love Will Ferrell movies, excessive body hair, latin music, water volleyball, mayhem in general, or the song “Walking in Memphis.”

Which brings me to my story today. Loyal readers of my blog and blog buddies (Rachel) will know that Will knows (almost) every word to the Mark Cohn song “Walking in Memphis.” He’s not shy about singing it either (or loudly mumbling the line he doesn’t know). The first time I discovered his affinity for this tune was while riding through Georgetown in Will’s car on the way home from the bowling alley. The windows were rolled down, the song came on the radio, and NONE OF US SAW IT COMING. Will serenaded all of M Street Northwest that evening at the top of his lungs.

Well, once I knew this song was a trigger for AWESOMENESS, I made sure to have it downloaded on my computer for anytime Will was over and we needed a little bit of awesome. Unfortunately, Rachel hadn’t been in the car with us to experience the original rendition, so on President’s Day Sunday I played the song in my apartment and let nature take its course. Luckily, my camera has a video recorder on it.

Rachel posted that clip on her blog. I’m not going to repost it because Will wants to limit the public exposure of that video given his career in public service. I respect his wishes. (but here’s the link to Rachel’s post)

Then, two days ago, upon realizing that our anniversary was coming up, I conferred with Tristan and Rachel about getting Will to come out with us this evening for our anniversary, and how there should probably be some Mark Cohn involved. No less than 20 minutes later, I left my desk to walk to Subway for lunch. I waited patiently in line until it was my turn to order. And…as I approached the counter, all I could hear was the radio over the Subway loudspeaker…it was that unmistakable piano intro and… “Put on my blue suede shoes and I, I boarded the plane. Touched down in the middle of the Delta Blues, in the middle of the pourin’ rain…”

Here I am in the order spot getting ready to lose it, thanks to the permanently ingrained association I have to Will and that song. I had to speedtalk my order for fear that I was going to burst out laughing. The subway staff had to have thought I was a crazy person because I was just snickering and smirking to myself and as I approached the topping area, I pulled out my blackberry (or as Will would call it, “BB”) and texted Rachel that I was standing in Subway and “Walking in Memphis” had just come on. I didn’t care if I was being inattentive to the Subway fixins manager; I needed to share the moment with someone who’d understand.

So next time you see someone having a weird emotional reaction or spontaneous outburst of laughter in a public place, don’t judge. There’s probably a “Will” in their life that caused it.

*In closing, please don't get us wrong—we love Will. Just not in that way. I don't *think* he would be offended by the fact that our attraction to him turned to “just friendship” after getting to know him...since I'm pretty sure if your trying to "court" a "lady," you don't do things like:

1. Show them the "cyst"/spider bite on your back.
2. Walk around with an ice-pack strapped to your junk.
3. Download pornography to their computer for an "awesome treat" the next time they log on
4. "Teabag" them while passed out on the other's bed:
5. Ignore them when they're trying to stab you:

Happy Anniversary, Will!

21 March 2007

"I'll probably hate her. I CAN'T WAIT!"

(That's a line delivered by Amy Adams from the movie I watched last night, "Junebug.")

I know Rachel reads my blog, so I won’t slam “The O.C.” too hard. But seriously, that is a terrible, terrible television show. I have seen it a handful of times and my least favorite character was always the main hard-ass, wrong-side-of-the-tracks-guy that the rich O.C. family adopted. I don’t know his character’s name, but he’s played by Benjamin McKenzie and looks like he’s about 30 years old. (For the record, I strictly limit my SoCal-themed programming to The Hills and Laguna Beach, season 1).

So you can imagine my surprise last night as I am watching the movie “Junebug” and thinking: “Wow that guy’s a good actor. He looks pretty familiar. What have I seen him in? Take away the Carolina Panthers cap and the moustache…HOLY FUCK THAT’S THE GUY FROM THE O.C.”

Benjamin McKenzie and Amy Adams star in one of the best movies I have seen years. Both gave great performances. I laughed out loud, I cried, sometimes I did both at the same time.

About a quarter of the way into the movie I was already sold on its awesomeness and thinking “God, I hope Charlotte has seen this movie because it has her written all over it. She’ll die.” Sure enough, she had seen it and we had a discussion about Junebug this morning. She basically yanked the words right out of my mouth but I will attribute the following true statements to her:

1. “It is a CRIME that Amy Adams didn't win the Oscar.” I agree. From the moment she opened her mouth in her first scene, I was hooked. She plays an immature, over-excited, devout Christian pregnant woman, who, if she were someone I knew in real life I’d probably avoid talking to at all costs. But she’s loveable in the movie because the viewer can see that she’s incredibly genuine in her excitement, cares deeply for her family in spite of their shortcomings, truly sees the good in people and situations and doesn’t let her personal insecurities weaken her attitude or love for others. And at the same time, she’s absolutely hilarious to watch. (After writing this I went to go see who else was nominated in Adams's category that year- Rachel Weisz won for "The Constant Gradener," another of my favorite films. And she was fantastic in it. 2005 was truly a great year for movies. Crash. Brokeback. Capote. Walk the Line. Munich. Match Point. Syriana. Constant Gardener. Junebug. Seriously awesome year.)

2. “That movie went from being the funniest movie ever to the saddest movie ever in 3 seconds.” You’ll know exactly what I’m talking about if you see this movie. I don’t want to spoil the plot. (Also, if you see it or have seen it, my favorite scene is when the kid from The O.C. goes to work at the China packing warehouse. His co-workers are, in a word, AWESOME.)

3. “Even Levi cried.” This is not shocking to me on any level.

4. “I was stunned by how good the OC boy was.” I’ve already covered that point, but I thought I’d throw this is in for good measure.

5. “That is the definition of comedy/drama.” I’m going to have to figure this movie into my top 10 somehow. What gets booted is up for consideration.

19 March 2007

I'd rather just be lazy than uninspired...

But sadly, that's not the case.

I haven’t posted anything since Thursday. Which really, is only 2.5 work days (I don’t blog on the weekend, if you haven’t noticed). So, really, its borderline ridiculous that more than a few people are wondering why I don’t have a new post up Monday morning.

Usually I don’t even have to think about what to write. Something just happens and I know immediately that I’ll have something to say about it.

This week, I’ve been feeling a little uninspired. And for the first time in months, I have a week to look forward to with no plans locked in as of Monday. Personally, that's one of the best feelings I can have.

For now, I plan on catching up on reading (currently reading “Choke” by Chuck Palahniuk, a few New Yorker articles from the past month that I’ve paperclip-marked and have just been sitting on my desk at work waiting for me, and the new issue of Elle with Rachel McAdams on the front—I love her pink hair), catching up on Netflix (I just returned “Hollywoodland.” It wasn’t very good. It’s a very sub-par “L.A. Confidential.” Now I’ve got “Thumbsucker” and “All The King’s Men” on the way), working on my sewing project (a red sundress), maybe cook that Tilapia Picatta I’ve had bookmarked in my Cooking Light for about 3 weeks.

So I guess if I find anything inspiring in any of that, you’ll hear about it. Otherwise, maybe you, my friends, my drunken muses, should work on providing me with good stories to tell.

15 March 2007

Blond "moments" aren't supposed to last 2 weeks.

For the past two weeks, all I have heard people talk about is the History Channel documentary on Jonestown.

It all started when, before going to the 9:30 club two weeks ago, Levi, Robbie and Rachel were sitting in my living room watching the Lifetime Original Movie: The Fantasia Barrino Story. Levi had recently watched the History Channel Documentary on Jonestown and was recapping, frame-for-frame, what had happened, for Robbie and Rachel. Evan and I were in my room watching Charlotte beat Super Mario World. I think Jessica was in the kitchen testing out my rum collection.

Anyway, the next day, Rachel told me about how Levi had spoken for an hour about Jonestown and how he was the ultimate authority on Jonestown, and how the documentary totally freaked him out, blah blah blah blah. I thought that was kinda weird, but, whatever.

The talk about the Jonestown documentary went back and forth between Charlotte and Rachel for a while via teh Myspaces and blog comments, etc. So last night, Rachel asked if she saw the comment Charlotte left for her on Myspace re: Jonestown and vice versa. I told her I had not, and then Laura jumped in and exclaimed that she has just seen an AMAZING DOCUMENTARY ON THE HISTORY CHANNEL ABOUT JONESTOWN. And then they go on to discuss how crazy scary it was and how it totally freaked them out. So now I am just totally lost and wondering why it was so scary, but basically kept my thoughts to myself so that I wasn’t forced into watching some hour-long documentary on Pocahontas.

Yes. That’s right. I thought Jonestown was Jamestown.

All this time, I’m thinking, what was soooooooo fucked up and scary about Jamestown? Did the settelers eat the native Americans? Did they practice some sort of zany voodoo? What could possibly have been so fucking scary about settlers? Did they omit it from the Disney movie?

It was yesterday that I finally looked at the MySpace dialogue between R-Bone and Char-Bone, which included phrases like “as long as he doesn’t bring you kool-aid” and “massacre” that I finally decided to Wikipedia that shit.

Man, Jonestown WAS fucked up.

13 March 2007

The Shins’ Afterparty at L’Enfant Plaza.

Alright, so I anticipated the Shin’s concert being off the chizzzz-ain. But who would have thought the metro ride home would have been the most entertaining part of the evening?

To back it up a bit, I went to see the Shins play D.A.R. Constitution Hall last night with Jess, Robbie, Rachel, Todd, Laura, Evan, and Evan’s lady-friend, Anna. The show was great- the Shins played a well-rounded mix, representative of all their albums and a fairly long set at that. They pretty much played everything I wanted to hear except for Split Needles, which both Robbie and I were shocked wasn’t on the playlist.

Anyway, after the show, most of us headed back to the metro. As I had mentioned in a previous post, the stop nearest D.A.R. is Farragut West, the orange line (and “also Blue, but FUCK BLUE”—ring any bells?). Long story short, we had to get on blue or wait five minutes. I don’t hate blue enough to wait that long.

It was at our L’Enfant Plaza transfer to the green line where things got interesting. Me, Todd, Evan and Anna were just kind of chatting when our attention turned to the group next to us. Something awesome was going on, but I couldn’t quite figure out what they were saying. All I could make out was that one of the guys was trying to get the other to punch him in the face. Except they were clearly friends. It’s not like they were in a fist fight. The guy trying to get the kid to punch him was pretty normal looking and might have been sober. The kid doing the punching was a bigger, drunk kid, with poofy red hair, a bright red face, and he seemed to move in slow motion.

Normal kid made no secret of the fact that he positioned his face directly in front of one of the metal metro towers that has the stops listed on it and the metro line color dots. Apparently I had missed what had happened beforehand, but this was indeed the 2nd time in a matter of minutes that this scenario had played out. After intently watching this for about two minutes- the normal guy trying to talk poofy red-head-guy into doing “something” with a totally straight face, poofy hair guy finally exclaims “NO! You’re going to trick me again!” The normal guy swears that this is not the case.

What happened next was the most slow-motion “duck” I had ever seen with the red-headed kid’s hand pummeling the metal metro tower. The kid's reaction was in slow motion too. He just looked so defeated and his hand turned bright red, to match his face and hair. And he tried to shake it off. You don’t just “shake off” a fist to a metal pole. On top of that, this was like the second time in 4 minutes he was “tricked” into punching a metal surface. And its not like it was a big secret either time: EVERYONE ELSE SAW IT COMING. Meanwhile, normal kid is just chillin' like nothing happened and I am laughing so heard I am crying.

At that point, that crew gets on the yellow line and we waited it out for the green line (it should be noted that I gave serious thought to leaving Todd, Evan, & Anna behind to get on the Yellow line with those guys. Because I KNOW the story did not end there). As the green line was pulling into the station shortly thereafter, I saw someone pretty awesome on the train who was getting ready to disembark, so clearly I went to the doors he was standing at to get a closer look. This tall lanky guy was wearing a hat with a feather in it (not just like, a pigeon feather. Like 10-inch monster-bird feather) and a full length judges robe/cloak as a jacket. In addition, apparently there was some wrestling match letting out at the Verizon Center. So I just want you to picture the culture clash of a crowd that had just gone to see the Shins and a crowd leaving a WWE event. Showtime. I wish I could paint a picture of the events between 11pm and midnight last night. It was really better than words can describe.

12 March 2007

March Madness

This weekend I went to my last Wizards game for a while. It was the last ticket in my package, and fittingly so. I’m taking a break from NBA just in time to grant my full attention to my NCAA bracket.

Many of you might know of my exxxtreme (too bad I can’t have fire and lasers shooting out of words on here. But picture “EXXXTREME” that way) disdain for everything “Buckeye.” Unfortunately I saw no way around not including Ohio State in my final four and having a shot at any pool winnings. After some bracket talk with Rachel, where she called my second round upset of Marquette over UNC “bold,” and perhaps even “aggressive,” she brought to my atttention that it’s entirely possible that Duke could play Ohio State in the finals.

If that happens, I will implode.

All I ask is that someone make sure to get it on video and embed the You Tube link in my blog. It will be my final and grand farewell.

Fuckin’ Duke.

09 March 2007

Overheard in My Life.

Overheard in my life

I’ve always been a big “Overheard in New York” fan. Then came DCist’s Friday staple, “Overheard in DC.” “Overheard in the Office,” also pretty amusing. And in the summer we have “Overheard at the Beach” to look forward to. I’m taking the cause of out-of-context-quotes one step further. That’s right, its “Overheard in my Life.” Without further ado, this is what you might have heard/said in the past week if you were me:

Saturday, March 3, 2007, approx. 2:00 p.m.
Location: Dupont Circle by the metro exit, where a crowd had gathered to watch the start of the Idiotarod race. Four guys get off the metro and are confused by what’s going on.

Guy 1: Wow. It looks like some sort of cultural event. Let’s be a part of something cultural. (stares for about 6 seconds and then comments) I wish I weren’t so drunk.


Saturday, March 3, 2007, approx 11 p.m.
Location: Fado, about 2 car bombs into the night.

Leslie: Hey Ted. Why don’t you go ask her what kind of fruit she wants in her smoothie tomorrow morning.

Ted: I’ll bet its passionfruit.


Monday, March 6, 2007, approx 10 p.m.
Location: Fado for Trivia night (yeah, we like Fado).

Leslie: At that Edward Tufte seminar I went to, he passed around a book with original drawings by Galileo. It was pretty neat.

Rachel: Well, my grandparents have a Rembrandt of a dog crapping.


Friday, March 2, 2007, approx 11 p.m.
Location: Will’s apartment

Tristan: Why are you walking around with that icepack on your crotch?

Will: I pulled my groin.

Mike: How did you do that?

Will: I don’t know! I didn’t even do anything! I’ll bet is cause I wear my BB on this side of my pants and it affects my stride. That’s probably how I pulled it.

Leslie and Tristan: BB?

Will: Blackberry.

Leslie: Well what do you plan to do tomorrow when we go to Fado? Strap that thing to your belt?

Will: Well, I was just going to stick it down my pants. That way, if a chick tries to grab it, she’ll be like “Wow your dick is fuckin’ cold as ice!”

Leslie: Well maybe you should have taken your neighbor there up on some of that Vicodin.

Will: Why? So I can roofie you up?

Leslie and Tristan: (Looking at each other like Will’s crazy): No! So you can roofie yourself up!


Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Location: Starbucks, 16th and K

Random girl: You know, they say Splenda causes cancer.
Rich: If the terrorists, global warming, bird flu, mad cow, killer bees or Metro bus don’t get me first, I’ll take my chances with Splenda.


Wenesday, March 7, 2007, afternoonish
Location: IM conversation between Lame Evan (my brother) and me (LG)

LG: The metro stop is Farragut West. Orange.

L.Evan: ORANGE. Money!

LG: Well, I guess technically its also Blue line. But FUCK BLUE!

L.Evan: Blue is the most terrible line there is.

LG: Tell me about it. So, Sushi and the Shins on Monday. It’s gonna be smiles times.

L.Evan: I hope so.

LG: You hope so? Why wouldn’t it be?!

L.Evan: I dunno.

LG: Like, if you have to take the Blue line. It will fuck up your night?

L.Evan: Yeah. Fucking blue. I dunno.

LG: Don’t worry, I’m pickin’ up what you’re puttin’ down. Chick issues. If she acts up, I will just throw a piece of fatty tuna at her face.

L.Evan: Haha. Yeah. Thank you.

LG: And she better watch her eyes, cause there’s going to be spicy sauce on it.

L. Evan: Ouch. Spicy sauce in the eyes is hurt-ing.

LG: And then she’ll have to leave our crew and go home alone on the Blue line.

L.Evan: Blue line to Largo.

LG: EXACTLY. So not money.

07 March 2007

Public Opinion Poll #1

Bear with me while I totally indulge myself for a minute. It’s not meant to be that way, but I have a pretty big decision to make tomorrow and I have been waffling over it for about a week. And I need your input.

Should I go back to blonde?

I’ve been a blonde most of my life (natural as a kid and then bottle) until about October 2006 when I decided to go dark. It was pretty drastic. 6 MONTHS LATER, my hair is kind of at an in-between state right now and I need a change. I could be swayed either way. Yesterday I was set on dark. Today I am set on blonde. Tomorrow I might be inspired by Helen Mirren to go gray (seriously, she rocks.).

I could leave a decision of this caliber to the same method I suggested Tristan choose a law school: Drinko. This is the method by which you label every shot glass with a choice and whichever Plinko chip it falls in, decision made. And then you can do shots, so it doesn’t even matter after that.

Except for when you wake up hungover the next day, I’ll have purple hair and Tristan will be attending DC Community College Law School.

Anyway, if I go the blond option, I'm not doing super bleach blonde or anything. This is more what I have in mind*:

*I ask that you not let your personal feelings about Ashlee Simpson get in the way of your opinion of her/my hair

Please leave your vote in the comment area of this blog post. There’s not set electoral college or anything, but some people’s votes may weigh heavier in my mind than others. Thank you for your participation.

06 March 2007

This Weekend, Bad Decisions Made for Lost Opportunities.

Friday night somehow turned into a re-run of St. Patrick's Day 2006. I met some people at Madhatter for their $2-rail-drinks-happy-hour to celebrate Jen’s new gig and then headed to Bertucci’s with R-Bone, M-Bone, T-Bone & Tilley for a delicious brick-oven-style pizza. (Just to bring this full circle, I went to Bertucci’s and Madhatter for St Pat's last year). It was at Bertucci’s over a glass of pinot noir that I made a decision that is a common theme among my many drunken ones: a BAD DECISION.

I decided to decline an offer to see The Thermals at the Black Cat. I didn’t realize this was such a bad move until Rachel came over the next morning and forced me into downloading their CD (thank you, Rachel). I am currently obsessed with their album “The Body, The Blood, The Machine.” I want to get their latest release, but Rachel is going to trade me that for the one I downloaded. If any of you have ever ventured out to see any local bands with me (I am not going to name names here), listen to "Returning to the Fold." Not only is this pretty much the tightest song ever, but you might notice it sounds strangely familiar. I'm not calling anyone out on it, it's probably pure coincidence. I'm just sayin'. It cannot go unnoticed.

MY Friday, after I declined the Thermals ticket, was a night of intense discussion over which senator has the best hair and which has the worst hair, half a Dunkin’ Donut Old Fashioned, and as serving as a key witness to Will and Ted’s excellent drunk neighbor assaulting them with apologies for ruining the secret smoking spot in their apartment building. I can’t do that scene any real justice on my blog, but her apology speech might have been scripted by Larry David. I’m not sure.

Saturday night I was assigned with securing a table at Fado for Sara’s birthday while the rest of the group was at the Caps game (I declined a ticket to that too. I guess I’m pretty anti-tickets lately. Except for my Shins ticket for March 12th. Ohhhh snap!!). Luckily, I wasn’t alone in holding down the fort. I sat with Mike, Tristan, Will, and Ted until the game crew arrived. Will showed up blitzed and fell out of his “tree chair” at least twice. I thought he was going to get kicked out before the party even arrived. It didn’t actually get real interesting until the end of the night when Ted decided he would punish Rachel for stealing his keys by eating a piece of gum every 30 seconds until she returned them. Rachel didn’t really care since it was my gum. When I tried to protest, she said “Leslie. Just let it happen. Just let. It. Happen.” It was almost a lost opportunity, but I let Rachel make my drunk decision for me. It really was worth it, in the end, when Ted tried (reaaaallllly tried) and failed to blow a 14-piece bubble. If you want a full play by play of that incident, it's on my picture page here. (The gum- key incident is near the bottom of the page)

01 March 2007

Verizon Center "Treats"

I went to the Wizards-Heat game last night. Which unfortunately, my Wizzies lost. Gilbert needs to fucking get it together, he’s had a few shitty games lately. D-Wade didn’t play last night, but in general I respect his skills. And I’ve always liked Shaq too, ever since that movie Kazaam! (I actually never saw that, but I wanted to throw in the reference). But I do not, REPEAT DO NOT, like the Heat. Mainly because they beat the Mavs (my 2nd favorite team) in the finals last year. Last night just added a little hash mark of hate next to their name on my mental chalkboard.

Also, for some reason Gary Payton still plays in the NBA. Who knew? He was all over the game last night too. Just before halftime he fouled someone and they showed him on the big screen and Mike turns to me and goes: “Gary Payton?? What the hell is he doing on the Heat?” About five minutes later they show him on the jumbotron again and I hear the guy behind me go “Gary Payton? What?!?” So anyway, in case you guys aren’t aware, Gary Payton is alive and well in NBA basketball.

When you go to a game at the Verizon Center, they always have the same games/contests/entertainment. The Dunkin’ Donuts race (this is relatively new and our section won last night but they never brought us our free coffee coupon), The Dance Cam, The Kiss Cam, the Chevy Chase Bank Card $100 giveaway (pretty much the only contest I am interested in winning), and the Chipotle Burrito Dash. The Chipotle Burrito Dash is where random Wizards staff run through the stadium giving people burritos. People start jumping over their dates and batting their row mates out of the way to get the attention of the burrito gatekeepers. Whenever I go to games I pretty much always make the same exact comment: “Who wants to win a cold mystery burrito?”

I’ll be the first one to tell you that I CISE Chipotle. It’s a delicious compact meal that can sustain you for about 24-hours. But if someone is handing you a mass-produced, one-pound burrito wrapped in foil—the contents of which are just whatever meat and combination of toppings they decide to slap on—and then let them sit in a bucket until after halftime and then throw them at you in the crowd- excuse me if I don’t stand up and make a fool of myself to try and get you to hurl a mystery burrito my way. I mean “WIN” one.

I sat next to Mike during the game and he had a similar complaint about some Wisconsin sports team (sorry Mike, they are all the same to me) giving away large pizzas during games. But this is totally a different situation. Everyone loves a cheese pizza and you would probably be the most popular fan in your section if you just took a slice and passed it around. Sharing the love, if you will. You can’t just take a bite of a burrito and pass it around. And can some mathematician help me out? There are 5 different “meats” you can get in your burrito, 3 different “beans” OR “fajita veggies” you can get with your meat selection, 4 different salsas, cheese, sour cream, lettuce, and Guac (for $1.50 extra). Can someone calculate out how many combinations of burritos are possible? On top of that, calculate the odds that the burrito I want (Chicken Fajita with Hot Salsa, Corn Salsa, Cheese and Guac) is the one the Wizards intern throws at me in the stadium? Then calculate how swiftly the burrito loses heat through the foil if they make them at the beginning of the game and pass them out during the third quarter. Is that even safe to eat?

Why don’t you fill that foil with coupons for free burritos and then we’ll talk?

Anyway, since I make the same comment of every game, I figure I better explain my rationale. And now I have a new thesis that a burrito is a much more personal gift than a pizza. So if anyone brings me a burrito on a first date, that means we’re moving too fast and I will probably dump you.