Also, I believe in "magic" **

Dear United States Treasury,

Stop jerking my chain. I think you know what I mean.

Sincerely,

Leslie

cc: you guys

“You guys” might NOT know what I mean, so I’ll explain that I have been wondering where my $600 stimulus check is for about a month (since it was about a month ago that I pre-emptively spent $400 of it on a ticket to San Francisco).

Last week, my roommate got hers. And I was happy for her. I hope she stimulates the shit out of the economy.

I also know there are many of you out there who, if you haven't already begun so, will be ready ON DAY ONE, to begin stimulating.

But, here’s the thing. I have been ready for negative 27 days.

Then, FINALLY. On Saturday. A manilla envelope from the U.S. Treasury. Addressed to me…

…A letter? Alerting me to expect $600 in the mail. At some point.

Really?

That’s how you want to roll?

Thanks for the check tease.

Listen, there are a lot of stupid people in America. The overall average score for the American civic literacy exam was 54.2%, an “F.” According to the Pew Research Center for People & the Press 31% of Americans cannot NAME OUR VICE PRESIDENT. And the fact that A Shot At Love with Tila Tequila was able to find people “qualified” enough to cast a second season continues to thrash at my hopes for humanity.

But THIS I can guarantee you: there is not one person in god’s great country that does NOT know they have free money coming.

So while I wait with bated breath for a piece of mail from the U.S. Government commanding me to spend with reckless abandon, I have three words for you, George W: “Ready. To. Serve.”

With one democratic caveat: I hope you printed that shit on recycled paper.

______________________________________________________

**Speaking of letters to let you know what's coming:

Dear Democrats,
Watching this video may cause your head to explode.