09 February 2009

"Where there's a will there's a way; Where there's titties...well, I'm just sayin'." -Will on how he planned to move the party from Duffy's to Camelot

(Title quote courtesy of Rachel's Tumblr.)

I’m beginning to think that blogging is some sort of reflex to my physical presence in DC. I was there over the weekend, and here I am writing about it. Unlike most weekends, when I’m in New York, not writing about it. Sorry.

Maybe because DC’s got an already familiar cast of crazy characters I’m used to dealing with here.

Unfortunately, I just lost one of those characters to Wisconsin (yes another one).

This weekend, I went back to DC to say goodbye to the best guy I know: a one William P. Sebern. Will is returning to his homeland, where I am convinced there is nothing to do but watch Brewers games, drink Miller Lite and eat cheese. (OK, when I actually type that out and read it back to myself, it doesn’t sound half bad). NO! No! it’s terrible! Wisconsin stole Ted, now it’s taking Will, it snows, like, every day there (I’m pretty sure) and it’s only a matter of time before the Badger State sucks Mike and Tristan back in.

It’s like a black hole for all the people I love. Rachel, do not fall prey to Wisconsin’s trickery/sorcery/brainwash-ery/incredible cheese!

Will’s going-away party started at 7:30pm on Friday night at Duffy’s, an Irish Pub across the street from the 9:30 Club. I had taken the Megabus from NYC to DC after work and arrived around 10:30pm to a round of pink shots, a very intoxicated, loud and unfiltered Jessica, a very intoxicated, loud and hug-happy Will, and Will’s cousin, who I had decided after seeing a Facebook photo of, that I was totally gonna lay whatever little game I have on.

Like Will, the cousin seemed like a totally friendly and funny guy, who would pretty much talk to anything with a pulse and no adam’s apple. Score!

So I went over to chat him up (which is completely out of character for me to begin with, but I’d had a bit to drink and some very encouraging friends and I’ll probably never see this guy again anyway. What the hell?)

Not only was he completely not interested; he seemed to have some sort of hatred for my very existence. Inexplicably, he looked for every possible excuse to get out of talking to me. How do I know this? I applied the scientific method. It’s a fact.

Humor my logic for just a moment here:

HYPOTHESIS: Will’s cousin hates me.

MATERIALS: Leslie, low-cut shirt, beer, cousin, stopwatch, witnesses.

1. Check boobs, make sure they look OK.

2. Get confirmation from witnesses that boobs look OK; tell them to start stopwatch when Leslie begins talking to the cousin.

3. Leslie asks cousin a totally non-threatening question, i.e. “Lovely weather we’re having for this time of year, huh?”

4. See how long it takes for cousin to make up a completely non-legit excuse to get away, i.e. “Um, I forgot something somewhere, I have to go get it. Bye.”

5. Repeat. (Note: the more trials you execute, the funnier and more predictable this becomes for the witnesses/baffling and fun-game-like for Leslie)

TRIAL 1: Less than 2 minutes.
TRIAL 2: Less than 2 minutes.
TRIAL 3: Less than 2 minutes.
TRIAL 4: Less than 1 minute.
TRIAL 5: Less than 1 minute.
SUBSEQUENT TRIALS: Average--less than 1 minute.


There are 3 possible explanations for the phenomena that is "Hating Leslie":

1. I got pre-emptively cock-blocked. Will can be a bit territorial with and/or protective of me, which, I must secretly admit, is one of the things I love about him. I guess I could accept this reasoning.

2. Cousin was pissed off because he was trying so hard to find a girl for Will to hook-up with for his last night in DC, but every time he tried introducing him to a perspective lady, Will would say “Oh, hey, have you met my best friend Leslie? She’s the coolest girl I know.” Ennnnnnd scene.

3. (Theory provided by Rachel): There is a Generalissimo Leslie out there. This is probably the most likely scenario.

Interestingly enough, Rachel and I had been planning to go see “He’s Just Not That Into You” the following day. But, by Saturday morning, I kinda felt like I had been there, done that, wrote the scientific procedure for determining that.

Actually, the real reason we skipped the movie was that we were indeed having lovely weather for this time of year and decided to spend the day outside. We went to Will’s apartment for a final goodbye Smoothie. There’s a long-running joke about Will making passion fruit smoothies for all the ladies he brings back to his “lair” but none of us had actually ever tried one of his much-talked about breakfast of choice.

I, for one, was impressed:

LESLIE: “Will, this smoothie is delicious. It’s better than Jamba Juice.”

WILL: “That’s because it’s Sebern juice. HAAAAA.”

EVERYONE: [groan].

We left Will to pack for his afternoon flight and Rachel, Peter, Mike, Tristan and I headed to Georgetown to walk around and enjoy the 60-degree February weather.

I’ll miss Will, that self-described “sandbaggin’ son of a bitch.” But, it’s not like we’ll never see each other again. In my drunken stupor I’m pretty sure I promised to visit Milwaukee during baseball season.

I’ll go for the cheese. I’ll stay for the Will.


Sarah said...

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww on that last bit. The timed trials sounded fun (and painful). You didn't miss much on the movie. I would have picked Georgetown over it if I could have!

Sarah said...

I'd like to meet this Generalissimo Leslie. That show is funny, which I expected. I wish I had not missed the boat on it!

J said...

I will never move to Wisconsin. I will get drunk, loud and unfiltered, at least you know what you are getting with me.

C L said...


even the boobies wouldn't work? damnnnnnnnn what's wrong with that kid?