Donald Trump is a nice modern gentleman...[long pause]...NOT.

I made my first attempt at playing the tables this weekend in Atlantic City. Rachel, Mike, Tristan, Ted and I went for the weekend and also met one of Mike's friends, Jordan, when we got there. I stuck to Blackjack. Lucky for me, Ted is an ex-dealer (cards, not drugs, I don't think) and might be a compulsive gambler, so I planned to keep him in my corner whenever I needed "hit or stand" advice. (Thanks to Vince Vaughn I always know when to double down).

I, however, had the luckiest first run ever (I won my first 8 hands and got Blackjack 3 times in a row. I think the odds of that are something like 1 in 10,000). So after my wave of luck I think Ted was pretty much like "Fuck this, I'm going to play." Mike stuck around to observe my luck, though.

Meanwhile, Rachel and Tristan were busy playing, what I'm going to call "enchanted" slot machines. Somehow, Rachel won $60 playing penny slots. That's a pretty awesome R.O.I. I don't think Tristan did too shabby either. Both were pretty skilled at seeking out slot machines in the path of an oncoming cocktail waitress too, so they held a pretty steady buzz the whole trip.

After my first run I was up 75 bucks. At one point during play I had definitely doubled my $100 buy-in, so it was probably a good idea to walk away when everyone was tired and ready for bed. But after my big win, the adrenaline was flowing and I wanted to stay out. And like I said, lucky for me, Ted might be a compulsive gambler. So he and I went down to Trump Plaza where I basically lost everything I had just won, plus $25. Now I have a personal vendetta against Donald Trump (just kidding, Donald, in case any of your staff members have a Google alert set up for your name). Just joking (not.) Seriously though, I do NOT want to end up like Rosie! Donald, I don't care what anyone says, I think your hair is great.

So even though Donald whored me for $100 bucks, I still had a really fun night/morning. I think we rolled back in to the Comfort Inn sometime around 5:30am.

Saturday evening we had a cocktail hour (or two) in our Comfort Inn "suite" before going out. So everyone got pretty wastey-pants before hitting the casinos. I did manage to get back to even before dinner and was even up $5. YEAH. YOUR EYES DO NOT DECEIVE. I said FIVE FUCKING DOLLARS. The problem is, when I'm watching tables or playing, I'm not good at noticing when the cocktail waitresses come by because I am trying to focus. So after a couple hours of solid drinking in our room and playing for a bit, I hit a wall pretty early on Saturday night. After dinner the guys went to play poker and I joined Rachel and Tristan in the room for more cocktails or, as I like to call it, "reloading." Great idea, in theory, but this is how it ended up playing out--

Leslie: I need to lie down for 15 minutes.

Rachel and Tristan: Yeah, OK.

About 2 minutes into "rest-period," I was very close to being unconscious. But alert enough to know that those two drunkards were writing on signs and taking pictures of me. And just when Mike called us to say they were done poker and ready for the group to reform and Tristan informed him that I was "down for the count," my second wind arrived:

Leslie: FUCK YOU TRISTAN! FUCK YOU!

Mike [on the other end] : Um. OKkkkk.

Leslie: I AM GOING TO THE TAJ!

And at that, I went to go give Donald trump $80 more of my dollars.

My trip net loss was $70.

Actually, I did way better than I thought I would. Considering I brought a couple hundred bucks to play with, a $70 loss isn't too bad in my book. I think Mike ended up down a bit, but nothing worse than me. Ted ended up winning $600 and Rachel ended up winning $60. Mike's friend Jordan won a couple hundred playing poker and flopped a Royal Flush (I don't know what that means, but that phrase alone made ever poker player there shit themselves and gained Jordan access to the Taj Mahal's private "Bengal Club" for an open bar and comp meal).

Also, I would like to mention that we all played a round of Texas Hold 'Em during our Comfort Inn "Cocktail (2) Hour(s)" where the winner received the title of "Best Person...Ever." I won on a Full House.

Too bad we played another hand like 5 minutes later and Tristan won.

FUCK YOU, TRISTAN! FUCK YOU!