When does season four start?

Although I am personally shamed by my love for the MTV program "The Hills," to the point of self loathing during the 15 minutes after every episode I sit through, at least I'm big enough to admit my problem.

The show is a shallow, offensive portrayal of the lives and values of my generation and the vile, semi-retarded cast members represent everything that is wrong with 20-something women.

It should only be expected then, that I jumped at the opportunity to take the "Which 'The Hills' Character Are You?" quiz via Facebook application.

The quiz didn't allow for write-in responses, so I was forced to choose the least worst option.

Below, please find my submitted responses in blue and my if-I-had-the-option-to-write-this-in-response in red.

1. What kind of guys are you attracted to?
Bad boys, with the rugged sexy look.
Bad boys, that look anything but sexy.
Average joes.
Good guys with engaging personalities.
Wannabe player types, who are really in-the-closet relationship types.
---->Intellectual/arty guys who make me laugh

2. If you want something in life, what's your way of getting it?
Go after it irrelevant of the consequences.
Play fair and square.
Hard work and determination.
Smile and look pretty.
I'm already rich but I give it my best anyways.
--->Decide and fuckin' do it. If it doesn't work out, oh well [shrugs shoulders].

3. What's your dream job?
Owner of a fashion magazine.
Supermodel.
Fashion designer.
Chief Editor of a fashion magazine.
Head of a major party planning firm.
---->Indie film exec. HBO Publicist. Saturday Night Live booker, writer, floor-sweeper.

4. In an ideal world, what would be your ideal boyfriend?
Blond hair, blue-eyed, and rich minus the idiotic gaming addictions.
Brad Pitt's body + Ben Stiller's humor - Spencer's Idiocy.
Brody with some acting skills.
Collin Farrell's looks and behavior - Justin Bobby's lack of faithfulness
Collin Farrell's looks and behavior + Brody's smile - anything remotely resembling Spencer.
---->Jason Schwartzman's personality + George Clooney's looks + He's doing 20 to life for killing Spencer.

5. What is the best aspect of your personality that your friends find appealing?
I don't sugar coat anything.
Love like you've never been hurt.
My superior social skills.
Less talk about own drama and more listening to other people's drama.
I know what I want, screw the world.
---->I could round out their World Series of Pop Culture team should the opportunity present itself.

6. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Of course, especially when he's blond with blue eyes driving a Six series. Totally in love.
It's a possibility with some people.
Depends on his bank account balance.
Sometimes, but they usually have to come back around a couple of times.
Do I look like a cross-eyed idiot?
---->No, but I think that homeless guy on the subway who asked me out to go see a "love movie" last week does.

7. What's your ideal wedding?
Cute ceremony at a Church, but with high publicity.
Vegas baby, in-n-out. Vegas Baby. No write-in required.
Weddings are so 90s. Domestic partnerships are so HOT right now.
Small ceremony on a beach, family and friends only.
The largest ceremony in America, at the White House, with Bush as the ring bearer.

8. When there's drama going on who do you turn to?
Fake friends or co-workers I can dispose of at my whim.
My best friends from back home who are drama free.
My mommy.
I try to work it out with the parties involved.
My roommate or close friends at work whom I can trust.
---->My iPod.

I know you're all waiting to find out if I'm a Heidi or a Lauren. Although, I'm personally keeping my fingers crossed that I'm a Justin Bobby!


Ok....hitting "SUBMIT"....


"Sorry we were unable to calculate your result!"


WHAT THE FUCK??!

Is Whitney powering algorithm that spits out these results?
Does this mean I'll NEVER be a Hills girl?

Assuming the answer is "No, Leslie, you'll never be a Hills girl," why am I experiencing a simultaneous feeling of both relief and disappointment?

Brody, I need a hug.


PS--Here's what I'm listening to now:

What Made Milwaukee Famous--"Resistance Street"