18 March 2008

I've become a parody of myself

My weekend turned out to be pretty well-rounded, especially if you considered I managed to fit in a handful things I like, as indicated by this website, which someone CLEARLY wrote about me.

So, here—I give you my entire weekend, chronologically, itemized by topic according to stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com:

#35-The Daily Show/Colbert Report—I reached the pinnacle of my PR career as I booked one of my clients for Colbert in April. While Oprah or the Today Show might be the benchmark of success for some in my industry, Colbert is my benchmark of success.

#48-Whole Foods and Grocery Co-Ops—On my way home after work, I stopped at Whole foods to pick up dinner, which included…

#6-Organic food—A loaf of organic fresh-baked italian bread, triple cream brie and apricot jam. (Although, I didn;t have much of a choice--you can't NOT buy organic bread at Whole Foods). When I got home, I opened a bottle of…

#24-Wine—Merlot. It's all I had left red-wise, and not my first choice, but it's been sitting there since mid-December. I sliced off some bread and poured a glass and joined my roommate in watching…

#85-The Wire—Actually, this is a total lie. We watched 2 episodes of In Treatment. But if you read the description from “The Wire” post, it applies to all shows that are "critically acclaimed, low-rated, shown on premium cable, and available as a DVD box set. The latter is important so that white people can order it from Netflix and tell their friends "they are really into and I watched ten episodes in a row in the weekend. I'm almost caught up."

On that same note, "If you attempt to talk about an episode they have not seen yet, they will scream and cover their ears. In white culture, giving away information about a film or TV series is considered as rude as spitting on your mothers grave. It is an unforgivable offense." This is true in that I won't sit in the same room with my roommate if she is farther along and watching episodes ahead of me.

Also, The Wire season 2 is currently the #3 item in my Netflix queue.

After In Treatment, my roommate headed out to Brooklyn and I decided to stay home and watch…

#10-Wes Anderson Movies—Some of you may know that I saw Bottle Rocket in 1994. But I had just purchased the latest from my fave director: The Darjeeling Limited. Picked up the DVD at the Borders above Whole Foods on my way home from work. I ended up getting really frustrated, though, when my DVD player decided to go nuts on me, forcing me to play it on one of my…

#40-Apple products—I popped it in my MacBook and set it on the coffee table. Thought the movie was even better the second time around (I, of course, saw it in theaters as soon as it came out). Went to bed at a decent hour because I was meeting Mike and Sarah the next day for the South Street Seaport…

#89-St. Patricks Day—Bar Stroll. THIS was actually not my scene at all. But the weather was gorgeous, the people-watching was second-to-none, and the beer was cheap. For the week leading up to this event, Sarah and I knew that the big special that day was going to be $3 Miller Chills. Neither of us had ever tasted a "Miller Chill," but that didn't stop us from making fun of (a) how it tastes and (2) the people who drink it. So the first drink we both ordered was, of course, a Miller Chill, if only for the...

#50—Irony—of it. This is what Miller Chill tastes like: Imagine a cup half full of Miller Lite. Then imagine someone time-traveling back to 1991 and buying a pack of "Squeeze It" artificially flavor lime beverages, coming back to the future and adding it into the Miller Cup, shaking it around and forcing you to drink it. I'm guessing you're imagining a non-forced gag reflex.

The rest of the day I drank regular Miller Lite and, when went to dinner at one of the restaurants nearby, I ordered a passion fruit margarita (they were out of mango margaritas) with my fish tacos.

I got home in time to take a power nap before turning on Saturday Night Live, which was CARRIED this week by Kristin Wiig. it seemed she was in every sketch. Not that I mind. In fact, when I saw them setting up for Target Lady, a little bit of pee came out. The women of SNL have become the force behind the show, a thesis which is supported by this month's issue of Vanity Fair featuring cover models Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and…

#52—Sarah Silverman—The headline says: "Who Says Women Aren't Funny?" I immediately bought a copy. It's like smart girl porn.

Where was I? Ah, yes: Sunday morning. This brings me to:

#9—Making you feel bad about not going outside—I pull this one on myself regularly. My favorite way to make myself get functional on the weekends is to make myself feel bad about not going outside. This Sunday, it was raining. I really didn't have anything I had to get done. But Leslie: "What the fuck are you doing with your life?" So I picked up a copy of the...

#46—Sunday New York Timesand walked in the rain to the…

#5- Farmers Market—not the big Sunday Greenmarket up on Columbus (it WAS raining) but the ramble shamble indoor farmers market on 52nd Street that my roommate has been raving about for the past month. Apparently, she claims, “it's sooooo cheap.” I only had like, $9 cash on me, so I was conservative with what I put in my basket. Come to find out, when the lady rang me up, that I bought my whole weeks worth of produce for just under $6. It IS soooooooo cheap! Loaded my goods into my reusable cloth bag because I reduce, reuse and

#64--Recycle--and went back to my…

#26--Manhattan—apartment. I cooked toasts (organic) topped with a mix of garlic, roasted red peppers, broccoli and Portobello mushrooms, broiled with a thin layer of gouda cheese on top. I thought about making a smoothie, but I have yet to figure out which blender model will give me the most bang for my buck. I've been soliciting suggestions recently, as I've had problems in the past with getting a non-lumpy end product. Also on my…

#54—Kitchen Gadgets—list: A large saute pan and a panini press. I mean, I'm a fan of

#63—Expensive sandwiches—but seriously, I could save a lot of money by just making my own pseudo-expensive sandwiches with a panini press. Money that I could use towards things like

#87—Outdoor Performance Clothes…
#76—Bottles of Water…

…and, one day, keeping a…

#56—Lawyer...

…on retainer for when I inevitably get…

#66—Divorce(d).

But, I know. I know. I'm getting ahead of myself.

In order for that to happen, I first need to find someone who will marry me. After the wedding, we’ll probably buy a hybrid car, get a dog, and in a few years, adopt a child from a foreign country. Of course we'll send him to a French preschool, deprive him of television, and encourage his NPR-listening habits from a young age. He’ll eventually grow to hate his parents and squander his 20’s away on various masters degree programs in useless liberal arts programs before finally deciding to just go to law school.

Anyway, that’s a few years down the road, so I’m not even going to worry about it now. What I’m worried about now is this $10 burning a hole in my pocket for a smoked turkey and Gruyere with rosemary aioli on sun-dried tomato foccacia from that deli on the corner. Lunchtime!

I seriously don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore.

4 comments:

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Anonymous said...

Dear Blogger,
I too find your post likeable. I also like going to that website and seeing how many apply to me too, i think most do minus the wire and wes anderson movies. You forgot some good ones like dinner parties or being the only white person in the room (clip to the picture of the guy in the sushi restaurant)....this website is hilariously sad but true.

-RES

LG said...

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Rachel said...

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