Possible extra footage for "An Inconvenient Truth II" reel.

Last Thursday I get an e-mail out of the blue from my friend, Rich: "Adam is in town. Want to go fishing?"

LG: "Fishing? Um, no."

Rich: "You don't have to fish. Just sit on the boat and drink."

LG: "OK. Sold, sign me up."

So around 1:30 Saturday afternoon, Rich picks me and Adam up and we drive out to Deale, Maryland (this is what I will refer to as "red state" Maryland, or you could also go with "redneck" Maryland. Whatever is least offensive.) to board our fishing vessel.

The Capitan (Cap'n George) isn't quite ready for us when we arrive, which was fine because we were starving and decided to eat lunch at the restaurant on the dock. They served Hush Puppies, so I was a happy camper. Adam decides that this trip, being his first fishing venture onto the Chesapeake, is really a personal expedition for him to find out firsthand as to whether or not we really need to "Save the Bay." If we catch tons of fish, he isn't going to worry about it. If we do OK, he might get one of those Save the Bay license plates. And if we catch nothing, he is going to bat-phone Al Gore.

Just as we're being served our food, Capitan George walks by and slurs the words "Be back in a few, just need a refill," and holds up a thermos. CG is ABOUT 98 years old, from the looks of his leathery wrinkly skin and has clearly subsided on whatever fish he's caught, coffee, cigarettes and booze for at least the past 20 years. At this point, I'm realizing that this boat is going to have to be driven by one of us. Because there is no doubt in my mind that he is refilling his thermos with vodka.

Our fishing trip, which really turned into a booze cruise, was about 4 hours long. Our "first mate," Eric, claimed to be 19 years old. Although if I were a guessing person I wouldn't have put him a day under 25. I guess that's what life at sea does to you. Maybe Captain George is really only 35. Just "weathered."

Eric was (underage) drinking Captain Morgan from a straw out of a Coke fountain cup and told us he once jumped off a lighthouse drunk. He doesn't recommend it to us, though because "there's rocks down there. They hurt." He was pretty knowledgeable about all things Chesapeake, I'll give him that.

With less than an hour left to go "at bay," and having caught ZERO fish, I turned to Adam and said "Well, I don't think we are going to catch a tiger."

Adam: What?

LG: You said earlier that you wanted to catch something CRAZY. Like a tiger. Remember? I was laughing really hard.

Adam: I said "TIRE. I want to catch something crazy like a TIRE." I was wondering why you laughed so hard at that. Who's catching a tiger? THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.

Leslie: EXACTLY!

Eric: Well, I caught a deer out here once.

Leslie and Adam: [baffled stare]

Eric: You know. It was just like a deer carcass out there. Floatin'. I reeled it in.

Adam: Well you should definitely call Al Gore. He could use that footage. Let's do a contrast shot of a polar bear prancing through a dandelion field and a deer on a boat. Then no one will be able to deny global warming.

Rich: One day at sea and you're already turning into a conservationist. What will your republican friends think?

Leslie: What other crazy things have you caught? Have you ever caught a person?

Eric: Yeah. Four people, actually.

(Now I'm totally losing it and he's telling a story about dead bodies washing up on shore. Which is totally blowing my mind. He said the Coast Guard was already on it though.)

Leslie: So what do you think makes for a better story? Catching no fish or catching one?

Adam: I'm going to go with none.

Leslie: Well, I think you're going to luck out.

Adam's Chesapeake eco-action experiment RESULTS:
-Four hours on a boat.
-No fish caught.

Conclusion:
-Deer are going swimming.
-Polar bears are frolicking in gardens.
-The Chesapeake is beyond saving.


Personal conclusions:
-"Fishing" is code word for "sitting near or on water and drinking beer." In fact, even though I went on the trip purporting NOT to fish, I did just as much as everyone else on that boat. And I probably drank more.
-I am the best fisherman.